Vacation Thoughts and Finding Peace

Funny how workdays pass so slowly, but vacation days just seem to fly by like birds on the wind. I can’t believe I’m almost halfway through my vacation and I feel not as rested as I had hoped to be by now. Granted I got a great number of chores completed, but I still have more to go.

The main thing I’ve noticed is my hesitancy to start working on my mental rest. Why am I so afraid to face all of the thoughts and feelings of resentment I have been having towards the people in my life? What is wrong with me? Nothing probably other than the fact that I’m human. Still, I can’t keep avoiding this for much longer. If I don’t figure it out or at least make steps towards finding a solution before I return to work, I am just going to walk back into that office and have tension-filled shoulders within thirty minutes.

I have been debating whether it’s time to move on and find a new job, weighing the pros and cons, but the fact is I enjoy my work. It’s weird the thrill I get when my reports come out perfect or near perfectly. I enjoy crunching the numbers, finding anomalies that no one else spotted, and testing my analytical skills. Being able to work all day in headphones, and be virtually autonomous. I know it will be almost impossible to find a position that allows me to be introverted and anti-social while being a productive employee.

However, there is a certain level of stress and responsibility that comes with the position that just leaves me drained and exhausted and completely over the idiocy of some of my coworkers. So what do I do?

Establishing healthy boundaries is something that I have been advised by my therapist to do, and while I have been making efforts to do say, that to has added a level of stress to my days. I can’t help but feel like I am letting people down. The people-pleaser in me has a hard time saying no, but she is going to have to get used to it. Also, reclaiming my off days is going to be important as well. I need to rest. I can’t go hard for six to ten days of workweeks with minimal rest anymore. I’m not a spring chicken anymore. Granted the overtime came in handy, but it’s not worth my sanity.

I know what I have to do, and I know the execution is hard, but nothing worthwhile is ever easy. I’ve got just over a week left to start putting things in place. I have some projects that have been on the back burner for a while, so I am going to get up and dust them off and get them started. Anytime I feel afraid to be alone with my thoughts, I will stop, drop and roll in them until the fire is out and I feel better about my decisions. I will not put myself in second place any longer. Especially when others aren’t willing to do the same for me. Slow and steady.

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