Lately, I’ve been having trouble being alone while at home. When I’m at work or when in public I just feel alone and isolated. Sometimes it’s self-isolation because I’m tired of being around and/or dealing with people, but sometimes I struggle with my solitude. And it has been baffling me why am I struggling with being alone because normally I love being alone.
Sometimes I find myself repeatedly checking my phone for messages even though I know I’m not a texter. I think the problem is not so much me struggling with being alone, I think the problem is I’ve been struggling with lack of connection or rather lack of feeling connected with those people I care about.
I love my best friend. Anyone who knows me knows how much I love my best friend, he is my big brother from another mother, but lately, we just haven’t been connecting. Even when I started to talk to him about things I felt myself pulling back because I feel like the connection between us has changed. I have even found myself trying to forge friendships with people that I normally wouldn’t try to have a friendship.
Why am I pushing so much for a connection? Why am I searching so hard for a connection? What exactly is trying to make its way out of me? I can’t figure it out for the life of me.
My significant other and I are alike in the fact that we are very comfortable in our individuality, and we are very comfortable in our ability to be solitary creatures. We don’t have to be around each other 24/7, nor do we have to talk all day. As long as we hear each other at some point during the day. His work starts well before sunrise and we are usually pretty happy with sending random messages during the day of something funny or weird, or will just say “checking in”, and then we let each other know when we get home. I know when I get home I’m going to be up for hours and he’s going to come home and crash because he has to be up early again. And for us that works and a lot of people don’t quite understand it and I get it. I mean if all you’ve ever been taught and seen is traditional relationships then a non-traditional relationship would probably be seem odd. However, even with him, I have been feeling some disconnect and even frustration.
Where do I go from here how do I figure this out why am I feeling disconnected? I think that’s what I need to figure out right now maybe I’ve been going too hard trying to get on top of my game and get everything worked out that I haven’t taken time to pause and just rest and be. Yes, that must be it. Right?