Originally posted on 12 August 2016, this post was mostly therapeutic for me, the ultimate “Dear John” letter, but written to the fiancé of my ex-boyfriend. I never did get around to mailing it to her. As time when on there would be no need to, after all, karma.
Tonight I finally said goodbye to him. What I thought was love, has proved to be nothing more than a charade.
The thing is, when he and I met, you were still together, so we settled for just being friends. But then less than a couple of months later you mysteriously took a break. I didn’t think to question it at the time. I just tried to be there for him as a friend, all the while falling more and more in love with him. And then on that fateful night when our bodies came together as one, he declared his love for me too.
And I fell. Hook, Line, Sinker.
The next few months would prove to be blissful. It quickly became a year and since there was no further talk of the two of you getting back together I just assumed he was mine. Silly rabbit.
Then came that fateful Saturday morning when he sent me pictures of him at the beach playing with his kids, and low and behold you were in one of them. The reason given when asked, he needed help with them and you were free. I found this strange, but I let it go. That is until a few weeks later.
He said that you and he had been meeting and talking. That you said you wanted to try again. I, of course, was devastated. However, being the bigger, more fair person, I asked what his feelings were, and he said he didn’t know. He still had deep feelings for you but he loved me too. So
I gave him time. Time to think and make his choice. All the while the voice in the back of my head said, there should be no need for decision making, because he loves me, but I didn’t listen. I wanted to be fair, after all, you were there first.
Weeks flew by, and still no choice. Finally, I listened. I made it for him and let him go. Part of me hoped he would fight for me, but he didn’t. He flew straight to you.
I was crushed. I tried to be his friend once again, but it hurt seeing him. I tried dating, but no other man was him. But then, slowly, I started to see the truth as the fog of what I thought was love started to lift. Yes, we still slept together occasionally, but the pleasure quickly became one-sided. My body no longer responded. I could no longer send heart and kiss emoticons.
Oh but the coop de gratis, was your coupled online presence. You naturally started posting pictures all cutesy and I loved up, and me becoming pettier started stalking your friends. And that is when the final nail entered the coffin.
He had a Facebook account. One he said he would never have again after deleting the first one when he took his break from you. And the pictures, the posts, things dating back to when we were “together”. All this time everything had been a lie. He never fully took a break, he just found a way to communicate without my knowledge. Then I remembered the personalized ringtone, he always hurried to silence when he was with me and that meant you had called or texted. All the time I couldn’t come over because he was tired.
I won’t deny I have to take some of the blame in all of this, but the fact that he never took the blame for his part, and always made me feel like everything was my fault, my doing, let me know tonight, that he never truly loved me. Yes, he probably cared and still does, but love? No, he has that all for you.
I could never match up because I was just filler for him. I hope you know, that any time he talked about you, he only spoke in the negative to inspire sympathy from me, and I fell for it once, twice, but never again. I hope you know what you’re getting into with him because I’m noticing this is a pattern. After all, why did he divorce his “evil” wife? What negative things did he blame her for but made himself appear to be an angel?
Yes, he has his good side, but he also has issues he needs to deal with. I hope you are truly prepared to put forth the effort, because after all he loves you. He wears your necklace, he has your initials tattooed on his arm, he wears matching outfits with you and his online moniker is a mesh of yours and his names.
Me, Myself and I will quietly fade into the background and disappear like smoke on the wind.