Dear Diary: Just Tired

Originally posted 26th May 2019

Tonight the strangest thing happened. I actually felt attracted, sexually attracted to someone I had come to think of as a friend and had no interest in a physical way.

He has been a good friend and honestly, for a while, we considered dating, but we agreed we got along better as friends. Yet when I was hugging him tonight, granted in a not-so-friendly way, I felt something. A small spark.

Is this because I have been feeling lonely and was just grateful for attention in any form, or was it real? To be honest he is not my type. He’s shorter than I am, posher, and more mature mentally. This is funny considering I have always had a thing for older men who are way more mature and stable. But, he is just one year older and already more goal-oriented and focused on what he wants from life.

I think this might be confusing because lately, I have been thinking about what I want to do with my life. I honestly never expected I would still be alive this long, morbid as that sounds, and I need to start getting serious about securing my future. I have no children and may never have them, and I might never find a significant other to spend the rest of my life with, so I need to figure out how I will be comfortable should I be lucky enough to see retirement.

I am constantly being told to live in the now and enjoy the present. Yes, I need to step out of my shell and live, but I also need to focus on getting stability. I need to set goals. I am tired of being aimless. I am tired of being a broken record.

Just tired…

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