Dear Diary… Late Night Thoughts of A Depressive

Originally posted on 28th September 2016

As I sit in my room and ponder the true meaning of loneliness, I cannot help but feel alone. No significant other, very few friends, no work to keep me occupied, nothingness. And I wonder, is this my own doing? This loneliness?

Living a guarded life is not always all it’s cracked up to be. Sure you can’t get hurt, but maybe that is because you are hurting yourself more than anyone else ever could. But then what is the definition of an introvert, if not someone who values solitude to recharge their mental, emotional and physical batteries?

Sometimes I just want nothing more than to be held, but there is no one to hold me. I have pushed them all away. Most recently because I didn’t want to play second fiddle in someone else’s symphony.

So what do I do with this loneliness? Do I let it swallow me whole or do I try to change it? Do I fight and seek the life I want, or do I give in to the feelings of despair? Do I dare to hope, or do I become forever fearful?

Time will tell.

Until then I wake each day with a renewed sense of survival and trust that the answer will come.

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