Have you ever really looked at yourself in the mirror? I mean really looked. I haven’t. Sure I’ll see a few glances when I use a public restroom, or when I comb my hair. I’ll even take a quick peek before leaving for work, but I never stop and look. Until this morning.
While getting dressed I noticed a difference. I felt claustrophobic in my uniform. A deliberately one size too big uniform because I hate fitted clothes. TMI, if I could go naked, I would. I quickly dismissed it because as usual, I was running late for work, but when I sat in the car, it happened again. I felt too big for the seat. The seed was planted.
By the time I got to work and made a few adjustments I felt better, but then I looked in the mirror, my buttons looked tight across my stomach. How odd. Then again in an elevator mirror, my love handles are showing. Seriously what in the heck? After driving to my next destination, where I am currently waiting in line as I type this, I can’t help but think, is the scale in my doctor’s office right? Am I overweight? Have I started to replace my other addictions with food and minimal exercise?
Even last night after making a joke with my significant other, he calmly said he is going to talk to my doctor if I don’t start getting my act together. He said it so calmly and matter of fact I knew it was no ideal threat. I have been so trapped in the internal war in my mind that I haven’t even begun to process what I have been doing to my body. And I mean really process it. Yes, I have made previous posts about wanting to change and do better, but was I even being serious or was I just doing it for the show?
This month has been so scary and stressful for me mentally. I have been noticing more and more harmful behaviours about myself that I need to address instead of just coasting through life like I always have with the motto “it will all work out in the end”. The fact is until I actually put in the work, it will never work out. And I will be destined to keep making the same mistakes, over and over and over again.