Finding My Why

It’s 6:49 am and I’m lying in bed, huddled under my covers, trying to find my “why”.

Why do I want to become a healthier version of myself?

For the last three months of 2020, I decided to challenge myself to work out, eat better or at least consume smaller portions and home-cooked meals, and lose 30 pounds by the end of the year. I lost 15. But still, while the number on the scale didn’t go down dramatically, I noticed a change in my body structure and for me, that was better than the numbers on the scale.

Thing is, no one else noticed. Not at home or at work. No one noticed the looser fit of my clothes, the flatness of my stomach, okay not perfectly flat but definitely less rounded. They didn’t even notice that my double chin was almost completely gone.

My significant other noticed my ass was more lifted, and I thank him for that. But as I lay here watching the sky brighten as sun rise’s, I keep wondering what was my “why”, and is that “why”, why I fell off the wagon in January?

No one noticed, so what was the point? And these are people who I thought cared about me. My family, I will exempt because we’ve had a tough last few months. From death’s in the family to other family members that tested positive for coronavirus, job losses, it has been a lot.

My workmates, however, the head people who delighted in pointing out my weight gain over the years, did not notice my weight loss. I began to wonder how they didn’t notice this but noticed other minute or frivolous things about others. And in my solitude in my cubicle, I began to notice a lot about them.

In my head after over a decade of working alongside these people, I am beginning to see what I thought were friendships, are not. It was all fake. Amid a pandemic, people are starting to show their true colours. The well-concealed snarkiness, the jealousy, the true snitches and brown nosers. The joke that I work in a soap opera, became all too real. Were these the people I wanted to congratulate me? Were these the people I hoped to impress?

So my question has become, why was my “why” doing something with hopes they would notice and accept me a little more? Nah Dorianne. I need my “why” for starting over, to be completely selfish. My “why” needs to be doing something for the betterment of myself, and eff who doesn’t notice this time around. I will notice. And right now, I need to be most important to me, because no one else can live my life for me, but me. And gosh darn it, if that’s not a good enough “why” then I don’t know what is.

Good morning Mr Sun. Let’s get this party started.

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