So a friend/ex-lover met someone new, and for the life of me I could not figure out why I was feeling pangs of jealousy when he told me. Then a couple of days later it hit me. I still have feelings for him.
We started messing around a while back, but as friends, but after a while, I started noticing a change between us and I started snapping at him more and more. So we parted ways for a bit until I got my head back on straight.
Now months later I realise it’s because I was falling for him even though I knew, in the long run, we wouldn’t work out. Why? He is smarter than me, way smarter, like doing a Masters in Mathematics and Economics while I barely managed to secure an Associates Degree, smart, and I have always felt inadequate. Also, I like dumb immature jokes, and he is always semi-serious. Do not get me started on how he loves to be pampered and doted upon.
When this happened, I took comfort in the advice that my mom once gave me and that was to be someone on my level, my equal, and I have been trying to do that, but part of me still wants to reach for the moon.
Tonight he asked why I always do it like I am trying to convince myself of why it wouldn’t work and I know why it wouldn’t. I belong to another. Even if the other drives me insane sometimes, and makes me feel like I am always doing for him, but he also pushes me to learn more and be more open-minded. He listens to my crazy moments and helps me work through them, and he knows how to calm me down when I need it the most.
I guess growth comes when it’s ready and not before.
Until next post, Happy Blogmas!