I have been home, alone with my thoughts for three weeks now thanks to COVID19. The island, the world has come to a screeching halt and all I can do for the past few days is become more and more pulled into the web that is all the things wrong with me.
I have been trying to fight it, to keep myself preoccupied, exercise, read, find little projects around the house, anything that won’t leave me alone with my thoughts.
However after an argument with a friend yesterday, I am forced to face the fact that I have issues that need to dealt with whether I like it or not.
I spent the first thirteen years of my life as the youngest in a household of too many children and too many adults. Now most would argue that the youngest gets all of the attention, but that was rarely the case for me. Years separated me from the other children so I spent most of my time playing or reading alone. If I had a problem, the adults were usually so busy with work or dealing with unruly teenagers, that I quickly learned to just deal with stuff on my own.
This went from being a habit, to a way of life for me and I have never quite learned how to let others help or care for me. This behaviour, this defense mechanism while still useful is causing and has caused harm in my adult relationships, and now I find myself wondering if I should try to make a life for myself on my own or learn to let people in?
I have weeks possibly months before I return to work to try to figure it out. Here’s hoping I do and not just bury it like I always do.