Funny how life has a strange way how reminding you just how fragile yet fickle it can be.
My sister was admitted to the hospital yesterday, she had a stroke. My heart is still in my throat and I keep seeing flashbacks of my mother’s death. She’s shown great improvement over the last 24 hours but I’m still afraid.
I can still see the look of panic in her face, the tears, the memories all came flooding back and has been haunting me these past 24 hours. In the moment she looked just like our mother.
The follow up question after everyone checks on her is if I’m okay, and on the outside I look okay. Weakness is not to be shown to my family or friends. Only my trusted circle knows that I will take off this mask in solitude, cry my tears, then put it back on. I know people are just being concerned but I really hate that question. So my brave mask is my way of protecting them from my wrath, my scared emotionally fueled wrath.
I need my sister. Yes we have had our issues but there is nothing I wouldn’t do if it would keep her around for her kids. They need her more than I do.
So it looks like as much as I wanted to have an emotionally functional Christmas, life had other plans. God, the Universe, Allah, who or whatever, had other plans. I guess I still have a lesson to learn. Or maybe this is my chance to show how much I have learned. Time will tell.