Multiple times today I attempted to write, to find a topic and to form it into a decent post. Instead I kept burying myself in my work, and trying to ignore the jumbled frantic mess that was my mind.
The following are some of the random thoughts that raced through my mind today that I typed out in the hopes that it would make room in my head so I could focus and keep any anxiety attacks at bay.
I have found that this sometimes helps especially when this are hectic at work and I can’t take long breaks to properly isolate myself and recharge and calm down. My shrink has constantly tried to drill into my head that I need to make time to have fun and relax and do something for me, but to be honest I am afraid. My random thoughts are an example of why and I hope one day I can overcome this feeling.
Is it that I’m worried about how people feel about me or am I projecting my own insecurities into others?
Am I so aware of my own perceived faults that rather than face them I place them onto to others and tell myself that this is how others see me rather than believe that this is how I see myself? Is it just easier for me to blame others because I don’t want to blame myself or accept that my fears and paranoia and isolation are of my own fault, my own doing?
Why can’t I just allow myself to be happy?
Why is it so easy for others to go out, be social, have fun and I am so afraid to be open and to trust others with who I truly am?
Why do I care what others think? What do I think of myself? Why am I here? Am I really this immature or is it just another personality I use as a defense mechanism?
I think I am an attention whore.
Why am I afraid to show and be comfortable with my intelligence? So what if they think I am pompous, not my problem.
How much can management really be trusted?
I really need to remember to eat and drink water, how one earth do I always forget to eat three squares and it’s a small miracle I haven’t blacked out yet.
Back to reality