The last few days I found myself reliving memories of Christmas past while on my lunch break. I like to go to the park because it’s usually the last place anyone from work would think to look for me.
I was surprised to find I had more smiles than tears. It made me realize that how every person deals with grief is truly different. Some take days or months, and others like myself take years, and that’s okay.
I am, dare I say, happy that I am finally allowing myself to let go of the pain and guilt that I have held for not wanting anything to do with to do with the holiday season just because y mother is not here to enjoy it with me. I am more than a little angry with myself for wallowing for so long when I know she would have not wanted me to be sad. That she would have wanted me to teach the kids our traditions and make new ones.
I am no where near full on festive. That may take a few more Christmases yet, but I am finally getting there. I know my depression and anxiety may never fully go away. They have been my frenimies since childhood. However I can and am learning that I can’t always let them control my every action and decision. I only end up hurting myself more than anyone else. Plus my pocket really can not handle another downward spiral into retail therapy, drinking and other forms of self destructive behaviour.
Life goes on and I am going to have to join it.