I love the autumn and winter months. I live in the Caribbean so we don’t experience icy winds or snow. But the nights are a bit cooler, and the days nice and breezy.
December tends to be the most difficult month of the year for me. My depression and anxiety take turns and play double dutch with me mentally. I find myself being a tad manic almost daily. And it’s tough.
I challenged myself not to be sad, and don’t pretend to be festive. Just survive each day and don’t give in to the maddening thoughts.
And yet I found myself laying in the dark at 5am crying, letting memories of the last Christmas with my mother wash over me and telling myself it’s okay to feel sad, to miss her and to let go.
I miss my mother. Losing her was akin to losing myself. I hate to admit it but I kept a lot of my issues in check when she was alive because I was the strong one. I had to be because life didn’t favour the weak and with her gone, I slowly unraveled into madness.
I am getting better. I know this because I haven’t done anything completely self destructive yet, but it doesn’t make this any easier.
I think all I can do is just learn how to manage my anxiety and depression better this month. Routine, discipline, talk to my support system, and remember that I don’t always have to be the strong one. It’s okay for me to feel and be human too.