Dear Diary

Tonight the strangest thing happened. I actually felt attracted, sexually attracted to someone I had come to think of as a friend and had no interest in in a physical way.

He has been a good friend and honestly for a while we considered dating, but we agreed we got along better as friends. Yet when I was hugging him tonight, granted in a not so friendly way, I felt something. A small spark.

Is this because I have been feeling lonely and was just grateful for attention in any form, or was it real? To be honest he is not my type. He’s shorter than I am, more posh, and definitely more mature mentally. Which is funny considering I have always had a thing for older men who are way more mature and stable. But, he is just one year older and already more goal oriented and focused on what he wants from life.

I think this might be confusing me because lately I have been thinking about what I want to do with my life. I honestly never expected I would still be alive this long, morbid as that sounds, and I really need to start getting serious about securing my future. I have no children and may never have them, and I might never find a significant other to spend the rest of my life with, so I need to figure out how I will be comfortable should I be lucky enough to see retirement.

I am constantly being told to live in the now and enjoy the present. Yes I need to step out of my shell and live, but I also need to focus on getting stability. I need to set goals. I am tired of being aimless. I am tired of being a broken record.

Just tired…

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