As the holiday season approaches, I find myself becoming more and more moody. Over the years I have become less enthused by by holidays and festivities. I find it to be sad, depressing and lonely and filled with anxiety since I have had to pretend to be jolly or trying to be jolly for my nieces and nephews, and because a Grinch on the job is never good a customer experience.
It also means my shrink has me on a tight leash because she knows this is the time I tend to be the most downtrodden and prone to thoughts of despair. This is because I honestly feel like a year is coming to a close and I feel like have not accomplished anything. And without my biggest cheerleader what is the point of ushering in a new year?
I am doing my best this year to fight it. I have started to workout again. I am making small adjustments to my diet, sticking to my medication schedule and trying to see the reason for the season, as cliche as that is.
I have even added journaling to my list of things to do to help get out all of the jumbled thoughts and start my day with clarity and positive vibes. So far it helps, but some days I just want to say eff it and hide from the world.
Part of my journey has been accepting that my mother is gone. It has taken me eleven long years to accept her death. But Christmas is still very much a huge reminder for me. I try to be happy, I try to do all of the little traditions, and I try to remember that it is okay to miss her, and that she would want me to enjoy the holiday. But I won’t lie, it sucks without her contagious joy.
This year I hope with my newfound acceptance, I will be a bit more stable and joyous, but I know some days I will just cry at the memories. The key will be to let it out, then get up, dry my tears and start again.
Who knows, I might even break out my collection of Christmas ties and accessories and be jolly. Blech! Baby steps kiddo, baby steps.