My period is eight days late. Under normal circumstances I would not be worried. My period has always been irregular. But… Despite the fact that we have been using condoms, I still find myself having moments of doubt.
It might have to do with the fact that he has fathered four children already. I do not want to be the mother of number five. Neither of us can handle that level of responsibility. He keeps teasing me and rubbing my abdomen and taking to it like something is there, but the only symptoms I feel are those of PMS.
I am afraid to buy a test, but when day fourteen comes I will have to. I cannot take not knowing.
These past couple days have been really hard. His mom came back from overseas. So he has been spending every waking moment with his family. I keep thinking she is with him. I will never have that. I will always have to stay hidden in the background. I will never meet his mother. She will. She is good enough to take home, because she fits in. Perfect hair and make up. Perfect job. Perfect personality.
Why do I continue to torture myself with this relationship? Why don’t I just do the smart thing and walk away? Why am I letting “love” blind me to what is real? I really am a fool.