Dear Diary…

My period is eight days late. Under normal circumstances I would not be worried. My period has always been irregular. But… Despite the fact that we have been using condoms, I still find myself having moments of doubt.

It might have to do with the fact that he has fathered four children already. I do not want to be the mother of number five. Neither of us can handle that level of responsibility. He keeps teasing me and rubbing my abdomen and taking to it like something is there, but the only symptoms I feel are those of PMS.

I am afraid to buy a test, but when day fourteen comes I will have to. I cannot take not knowing.

These past couple days have been really hard. His mom came back from overseas. So he has been spending every waking moment with his family. I keep thinking she is with him. I will never have that. I will always have to stay hidden in the background. I will never meet his mother. She will. She is good enough to take home, because she fits in. Perfect hair and make up. Perfect job. Perfect personality.

Why do I continue to torture myself with this relationship? Why don’t I just do the smart thing and walk away? Why am I letting “love” blind me to what is real? I really am a fool.

One comment

  1. Oh my goodness! For your best of your situation, I hope that you are not expecting. But! If you are, things happen for a reason. You should just move forward with someone who will introduce you to his mother, father, family. Though obviously it’s easier said than done. How can you just walk away from someone you love and with a slight chance of possibly expecting a baby. Yeah its almost impossible. But can you live your whole life in the background? I don’t have a relationship like yours, but I was so close to walking away from my relationship many times but didn’t know how. Or have the guts to do it. And almost 5 months ago I found out I was expecting. I’ll be 7 months on the 19th. And even after that I was close to walking away a few times as well. Things are ok now. Not perfect but ok. But! If when my baby is here, and nothing changes, I won’t take it anymore. For myself and my child. I guess it’s fear of not knowing what will happen..where will one go? Or do? I don’t have anything to show for myself. No college degree, no job, no car, no savings. And now a baby? Gosh life is one heck of a maze sometimes. All I know is, everything will be ok. No matter what 🙂


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